Day 49: 25 km’s
Today’s reflection: Having disconnected from the camino for a few days, now I feel centred again…..ready to keep walking.
I’ve been off the trail for five days. Coming into Granja de Moreruela last week, I felt the denseness of the clouds that I had been watching hang in the sky for the past few days begin to come into me….to build up. There was a certain sadness gathering. A jaded feeling. A tiredness that wasnt just physical. All of these sensations made it obvious to me that it was time to disconnect, not from the outside world as I had previously thought, but from the camino itself. I needed to sound a retreat towards people, so that I could reset, hopefully rediscovering the beauty of winter, of flatness, and of endless shades of grey. I needed to come into contact, once again, with the sense of cheerfulness that I was feeling in the earlier stages of this walk. I was really missing that sense of joy.
At that moment, hysterical TV weather forecasts seemed to do nothing but shriek “bad times are coming your way!!!” to those of us in the north-western regions of Spain, so, rather than risk being stranded in this particular mind-state, unable to walk, and paralysed in a small town somewhere, I opted to go to Madrid and hang out with Peter and another friend Yolanda for a couple of days, before spending the weekend snuggled up with Jose. Hugs and nourishing food, that is what I need! Anything to banish the denseness and recover a sense of joy around what I am doing! I eat steamed green vegetables and brown rice and salads, I drink things like freshly squeezed grapefruit juice, and I eat goatsmilk keffir with honey…….I enjoy long conversations with Peter and Yola. Over the weekend with Jose, we stay in and I get the fire going so we can sit in front of it, contemplate, talk, relax………… On Saturday night, Jose goes to sleep and I stay, sitting in front of the fire until 3 am, which is delightful. There is pleasure and satisfaction in creating the fire, then watching it roar to life. I am there when it hits its crescendo and I stay to watch it die, letting the life-cycle of the fire run its natural course. Hypnotised, I see strange faces and hands reflected in molten amber tongues of fire flickering out of blue heat. The images come and go, flashing to life momentarily before transforming into some other form. Logs burn through until they are glowing red, break apart, then disintegrate into ash. Not wanting to abandon it, I accompany the fire until the end, and when it comes, after such a long night watching, its abruptness is surprising……….there is a final burst of flame, arching upwards, violently drawn to the sky by the wind rushing outside, then……………….suddenly sputtering into nothingness…………..
The break is excellent medicine for the dense feeling. I come back to where I left the camino on Sunday night, refreshed and ready to walk………..the next day I begin to walk from Granja de Moreruela-starting the last part of this chapter of my Camino- el Camino Sanabres…………..