soft

IMG_2157

it is the last day,

and i feel soft.

from digging in the dirt.

from the up and down.

from being alone.

from holding your hand.

from trying to find something,

an idea,

a source of friction.

how i feel.

how i think i should feel.

what is should?

i walk

across soft earth

padded with smiles, tears and much laughter,

dreamily

into

possibility.

pedrouzo in the early morning light: bars pumping out tostadas and cafe con leche, pilgrims heading out of town, lining the camino, walking along quickly. others, like us, are taking it easy, probably unable to understand the hurry. my requests for nice clear blue skies have apparently been denied and we are walking under a blanket of clouds, past the markers, through forests and then into increasingly inhabited areas as we approach santiago. there is asphalt, there is light rain. we take breaks and so on, until we reach santiago and start to approach the historic centre, and the cathedral.

i feel kind of numb. there is an absence of the thing i was expecting. i feel like i am supposed to feel something akin to excitement, or sadness, or joy. but there isn’t any of that. walking into the cathedral, i go and find a place to sit alone. i sit facing the main altar, it is shining, brilliant gold…………….i close my eyes and look into what is going on inside. slowly, images begin to come. people, faces, moments. people who, for a minute or an hour or a day or a week, walked together with me. the stories, the smiles, the sounds, the words, the eyes. the divine earth and sky. my body………… my feet…………….now i can feel it, emotion rising. arriving means nothing to me, the distance means nothing to me, it is the fabric that was woven with the steps between beginning and ending that i treasure.

it is a truly bizarre experience for me, this final part of the walk. there is the rational understanding that tomorrow i will not awaken, put on my shoes, eat breakfast and start walking with the backpack strapped on. i will not put on these shoes, or wear what has become my uniform. i will not follow yellow arrows. this knowing feels strange. i am ready to stop walking this path and shift onto another, but at the same time it has become such a major part of my conscious experiences of the last two months that i can see a black empty hole looming. what will i do if i don’t walk? if i don’t have to get up and do this again tomorrow? well, i must wake up and do the things that i want to do tomorrow, which is go to the pilgrim’s mass at the cathedral and have lunch with my friends. and then after that, i will organise myself to leave santiago and go back to madrid. and then i will be in madrid, and then i will go to barcelona, then to singapore, then to brisbane and onto new things there. i realise that i am excited to get back to work. i am excited by the possibilities that lay beyond. my heart is full and i have learned something about connection and sharing and independence, and the camino goes on and on and on until it brings me back here and then forward, onto somewhere beyond the horizon as i see it right now. and even if things don’t quite go in this way, they will go in another way, or another, and will it be any better? or any worse? it is the same camino, the one that i am walking now.

 

 

One thought

  1. Que buenas fotos y que buen camino, me trajo buenos recuerdos, es bello!…me alegra que vaya todo bien en tu viaje y que sigas bien y con fuerza en tu camino… un abrazo y los mejores deseos para ti….

    Like

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